Sunday, April 10, 2011

On Being Dick

Greetings, fellow Earthlings!

We are Area N.N.N. Neighbor, presently inhabiting the fabulous NoMi hipster body of a real, live, double-jointed Area resident near you! Our stunningly waxed host body currently resides near the abode of Mr. Jimmy Dick of Area Area Community Council fame. Jimmy isn't just a great Dick, but he GIVES great Dick, too! He's been a wonderful ambassador to the Area neighborhood, tootling around in his slippers and tan-colored cardigan with elbow patches, and he even gave our whole family of backyard owls a VERY warm welcome, if you know what I mean (and I think that you do).

Mr. Dick, as we like to call him, has introduced us around to folks on the block (my, my, my!), and by extension some very formidable "members" of the AACC, too. And just a friendly heads up to all you NoMi guys and gals out there--Jimmy is very involved in getting block clubs "going," so if any of you are looking to get "involved" in your "area," he's a good tool.

Anyhoo, we don't know about you Earthlings, but after a long intergalactic snoozefest, we're ready to kick back with some major "activity," and with a little manscaping, that big yard of Jimmy's will provide all the entertainment we can fit into our, um, schedules.

Well, well, well, how we do carry on once we start gabbing about our "area"!  But, on a serious note, just to clear things up for any Earthlings who may not be familiar with intergalactic pronoun usage, the semiotic meme "we" refers to the two or three unique and sassy blobs of ectoplasm that make up our we-pod. However, if this latest blogspot psychfest becomes the object of our free-floating obsessive compulsion, we may lay a batch of eggs, which will hatch into an angry horde of separate personae, each with its own fun personality, idiosyncratic grammatical lacunae, and untraceable IP address.

Before you leave, be sure to check out our journal entry below for Star Date, and until we see you again . . . don't do anything we wouldn't do! And that includes YOU, Mr. Dick!
STAR DATE, Era of Slumlord Empire IV: From inside our gooey blob of psychic goo, parked near a troll booth just outside Earth's atmosphere, we have, as instructed, been surveilling  the various blogs in the NoMi neighborhood of Earth. Coming (ahem) as we do from a peaceful galaxy, we are curious about the rancorous nature of Earth's NoMi bloggers. We had of course heard the intergalactic rumor that politics on this side of space and time had a longstanding reputation for throw-down snatch fights, and that image has been reinforced by several bloggers here. Boy oh boy, we just can't WAIT to get all up in this pussy fight!

Of course, any conversation about Earth has to begin with a critique of that quintessential postmodern cult classic, White Baby Video. Although seen by probably only twenty Earthlings since its initial debut, this short indie film has been an object of intense intergalactic speculation ever since it burst onto the Minneapolis Issues Forum during a short-lived 2010 flame war. Several of our foremost cinematic scholars agree that, although generally acknowledged to be side-splittingly hilarious, White Baby Video's fractured narrative style embodies the Lacanian frustration of an aging porn-addict whose relentless, Sisyphean efforts to succeed as a gentrifying carpetbagger from Earth's Columbia Heights region are doomed, time and time again, to humiliating defeat.  Nevertheless, two distinct schools of thought regarding the exact nature of the auteur's deconstructionist intervention have emerged.  As Dr. Dickoid Dickus of Troll University stated so eloquently in the January issue of NoMi BlogText(e)s, "Of course there's the "malfeasance" question (hey, I spelled it right, right?)," but Dr. Dicktoplasm has countered, in a series of important articles in rival publication SemioNoMi, with the argument that "what may look bogus or corrupt to one gooey blob of ectoplasm may seem perfectly logical and acceptable, even necessary, to a different slumlord."

But of course, these weighty intellectual matters will not be resolved today!  Our goal is to forge on,  building new bridges before we burn the old ones,  never allowing  the fact that that we allegedly just moved here and therefore couldn't possibly have any old bridges to burn to crimp our style.  Oh, btw, Earthlings--have you heard the one about the Lowry bridge? It's hi-LAR-ious!